Drinking The Haterade

When it comes to sports I’m a bad friend.  You see I grew up in the Washington DC/Baltimore area which means all of my favorite sports teams are terrible. My boys are the Orioles, Redskins, Capitals, and Wizards. Needless to say, I have a lot of valuable memorabilia including a signed baseball glove by Eric DuBose and B.J. Surhoff.

Yes I’m a fan of awful franchises. We never win, we never come close, we’re the laughing stock of nearly every league (except for the Caps who only suck in the post-season), and since nobody wants to play for such losers, we’re never going to get better.

My teams suck, you’re teams don’t, I hate you for it.

What makes me a bad friend is my mindset. If I can’t be happy, you shouldn’t be happy either. I know that’s a shitty way of thinking, but it’s how I think so what can I do? Why do other franchises win championships before mine do? I deserve it more. Do you understand how difficult it is to watch the Orioles lose 85+ games a year for 15 years, and still be cautiously optimistic for next season? Do you know how hard it is to sit back and watch as the Redskins choose another name out of the world’s most untalented hat to decide who’s going to start under center next season? Do you know how frustrating it is to have the number one pick and take Kwame Brown?

I don’t enjoy being a hater. I love my friends, and I do want them all to be happy, I just don’t want them to be happy in front of me.

Last night, I cheered for the Giants to beat the 49ers. I tried to be a good friend. Eric Rothman who you all no doubt know as co-founder of the this very blog is a New York sports fan along with 90% of my friends from college. I’ve rooted vociferously against all New York teams because I couldn’t stand watching them jump in each other’s arms in celebration after a 27^th World Series, or a classic Superbowl win, while my teams were out of contention after week six.

When Lawrence Tynes booted the G-Men into the Superbowl for a second time in a mere five years I congratulated Eric, sent a nice text to a few friends went to my room and beat the shit out of my pillow. I’m a hater. I can’t change that, I can only embrace it.

The Patriots are evil. Lord knows I hate Boston’s sports teams as much as New York’s, but I don’t live with a Pats fan which means in two weeks, when Tom Brady is tossing touchdowns and Eli is looking as confused as ever on the sidelines, I’ll be silently happy. I won’t outwardly root against a friend, but I’ll happy when he loses. I’m a bad friend.

Oh and if by chance the Giants once again pull off a shocker, I’d like to point out that the Redskins swept them this year which makes us the actual Superbowl champions. That’s my logic and I’m sticking to it.

-Jeff Kahn