Welcome to Cineplex 16. I am a furry, lovable animated creature with a movie coming out in the near future.
I realize you have no desire to see my face or hear what I have to say since you’ve already been sitting in the theatre of 30 minutes watching commercials and trailers. But please, hang tight just one more minute, I have something FUN to talk to you about. That’s right; I want to talk to you about “The Rules of the Movies!”
I know this movie is rated R, meaning, you are over the age of 17 and have probably been going to the movies as a conscious human for at least a decade. But, it’s never too late for a refresher on how to actually get the most out of your movie experience.
First, please quiet all cell-phones. God-forbid you wait 2 hours to Tweet, text, Facebook, or call your BFF Jennifer to tell her about what a grand ole time you’re having at the movies. Don’t even put the thing on vibrate. There’s a little button at the top of your phone that will actually, wait for it, TURN THE PHONE OFF! I know, you’ve never used this feature before, but please out of courtesy to the people sitting around you, discover it immediately.
Second, attempt to eat your food like a normal human being rather than a lion devouring a gazelle. For example, make the most out of your popcorn. I know you deem it necessary to cram as many kernels in your face hole as you can at one time, but this tasty treat can also be enjoyed in much smaller doses. Also, open all of your candy now. Even if you’re not going to eat it right away. Just open it. Save yourself the embarrassment of being the guy who has not mastered the art of opening a candy wrapper in the dark. Take advantage of the dim lightning, now.
Finally, folks this isn’t the Coast Guard. Find your seats before the show starts. No one needs a cell phone shined in their face while you look for what row your friends are sitting in. If you need to get up during the movie and for some reason can not find your party, sit down in the nearest open seat. Remember, this is a movie, even if you can’t find your group; it doesn’t matter because you shouldn’t be talking with them anyway. Meet them in the lobby and discuss the movie after its conclusion. Don’t worry, they’ll be fine.
Now, sit back, relax and enjoy the feature presentation.
And don’t forget to check out my new movie, only in theatres, and movie pirating sites, April 15th.