Window Shopping

I have no money.

This thought probably dawns on me at least once a day.   It’s not like I expect to have a lot of money considering I’m in my early 20’s and living in Los Angeles, but it would be nice.

Usually this thought pops into my head while I’m in my car.  I drive past rows and rows of storefronts touting clothing and wares that I cannot afford.  It’s depressing.  I would say for every 10 stores in Los Angeles, 8 of them I could not comfortably afford buying more than one item.  Rough.

I used to go into these stores, not knowing really what to expect, trying to convince myself that I would be able to find a clearance rack with my name on it.  But, after much trial and error, I gave up; resigning to the fact that at this stage in my life, I was sticking to shopping malls, not specialty stores.

I have come up with a list of rules that I follow to determine whether or not it’s even worth stepping into a store or not.  A cheat sheet, if you will, to figure out (with very little effort) whether I can afford what’s being sold inside a store.

- If I can count the amount of items a store has in less than 10 seconds, I can’t afford it.  We all know these stores.  Real chic.  Usually white walls and black clothes.  Literally two racks of clothes is all they have on the floor.  Think about it this way.  A store has to pay overhead and its employees, while still making money.  If they can do that by only displaying 3 shirts and a pair of jeans, you better believe it’s more than I can afford.

- If the store is “by” someone, I can’t afford it. I rolled past a store last night called Marc by Marc Jacobs.  Maybe I could afford Marc…maybe.  But Marc BY Marc Jacobs? That’s out of the question.  If it needs a byline, I can’t afford it.

- If the store has a doorbell and/or security guard to let me in, I can’t afford it. Just to be clear, this excludes pawn shops.  If the merchandise inside is so expensive that I can even come in to casually waltz around without being let in, it’s out of my league.

- If there is a live mannequin in the window…well that’s just creepy.  Keep walking.

- If there is an option to valet my car just so I can shop at this one store, I can’t afford it. A valet for a mall is understandable.  But, to have a valet just for your own store is a bit ridiculous. Like in Monopoly, free parking is key.  I stay away from the valet.

I’m sure you can come up with more, but you get the point.  One day, I hope to ring a doorbell and shop at a store that has next to nothing in the showroom, and sip champagne while doing it.  But, until than, I’ll see you in the food court.

-Eric Rothman

Wait, this is live?

It doesn’t take much for a television show to grab my attention.  I watch a lot of garbage and not ashamed to say it.  Recently, I’ve become addicted to programs that show real life people buying things.  Pawn Stars, Storage Wars, Auction Hunters, American Pickers, Auctions Kings; I watch them all.

It’s sad.  I know.

There’s something truly fascinating about the idea that you can find something for nothing and turn it into thousands of dollars.  I watch these shows and think to myself, I could easily do this, and I would never have to work again.  It’s the same feeling I get watching televised poker.

So, last night was the season premiere of Auction Hunters on Spike TV.  To promote the occasion, the executives at the station decided to put on what can only be described as “Al Capone’s Vault…But with Stuff Inside.”  They got the two hosts of Auction Hunters to do a LIVE storage auction.

Here’s how it worked.  The hosts were in a warehouse with a bunch of storage boxes that they “bought before the show aired and definitely didn’t have any planted items in them.”  They had one hour to go through all the stuff in the storage units and sell them for profit.  There were about 10 “experts” from various fields of knowledge, ready and waiting to bid on items.  Spike also donated money to a charity somewhere in the middle of all of this.

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Let the Madness Begin

Like most people in this country (for the moment) you have a job.  You’re a 9 to 5 grinder who sits back to back with other cubicle dwellers as you tap away at your keyboard, counting down til’ quitting time.

Most days, working from 9 to 5 doesn’t interfere with your quest to be a red-blooded American.  That is, your ability to drink beer, watch sports, and talk amongst friends.  That’s because, typically, the sports/drinking/friends day doesn’t start until after your day at the office comes to end.

Except for in March, when your daily routine gets interrupted by a little madness.  Madness of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament variety. 

No longer does your sports schedule wait for you to come home from a hard day.  Nay. Your sports day starts (for us West Coasters) as soon as you sit down at your desk. Noon games on the East.  Games at 9 am on the West.  Truly madness. 

So how do you get the full March Madness experience while still appearing to be productive at work? Here’s how.

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The S.S. Walk In Radio

This is a BREAKING NEWS bulletin from the US Podcast Service:

Attention podcast consumers, this is an urgent announcement.  This morning at 10:20 am Pacific Standard Time, the podcast known as "Walk In Radio" was lost in cyber space. This program, best described as "two hacks quarreling over the most meaningless of topics," was scheduled to arrive in port at WalkInRadio.com earlier this morning.

Search teams have been deployed to an area thought to be the last point of contact of the podcast.  We have sent our best crews to look for any surviving remnants of this episode, also known by its technical classification WIR 16. The search teams include; Seal Team 5 (no, not the guys who killed Bin Laden, the guys before those guys), the entire cast and crew of the movie Armageddon (minus Ben Affleck, he had a scheduling conflict), and four bloodhounds that searched for Tim Robbins character Andy Dufresne in the movie The Shawshank Redemption.

We believe with their help, we will be able to recover WIR 16 in a timely manner.

There is some promising news already that we would like to report.  The black box of WIR 16 has been recovered near the search area, with tremendous damage. However, we were able to extract some audio that we believe may act as a bridge for listeners until the full episode has been recovered. This is a brief transcribed extract from WIR 16...

START TRANSMISSION:

Kahn: "I'm so sick of not getting enough sauce with my Chicken McNuggets!"

Rothman: "Yea, that sucks."

END TRANSMISSION.

Unfortunately, that is all we have at this time.  As you can see, this is a truly remarkable piece of work that needs to be recovered quickly and distributed to the masses. We take this matter very seriously and will do everything in our power to quench the nations thirst for Walk In Radio.  Thank you.

-Eric Rothman

Before Your Feature Presentation

Welcome to Cineplex 16.  I am a furry, lovable animated creature with a movie coming out in the near future.

I realize you have no desire to see my face or hear what I have to say since you’ve already been sitting in the theatre of 30 minutes watching commercials and trailers.  But please, hang tight just one more minute, I have something FUN to talk to you about.  That’s right; I want to talk to you about “The Rules of the Movies!” 

I know this movie is rated R, meaning, you are over the age of 17 and have probably been going to the movies as a conscious human for at least a decade. But, it’s never too late for a refresher on how to actually get the most out of your movie experience.

First, please quiet all cell-phones.  God-forbid you wait 2 hours to Tweet, text, Facebook, or call your BFF Jennifer to tell her about what a grand ole time you’re having at the movies. Don’t even put the thing on vibrate. There’s a little button at the top of your phone that will actually, wait for it, TURN THE PHONE OFF! I know, you’ve never used this feature before, but please out of courtesy to the people sitting around you, discover it immediately.

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